


Eyes cannot see the Path of the Heart

by SolarisRasa



Series: My Love Adrift-An Old Guard AU [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec struggles with feelings of betrayal, Angst, Fighting, Historical Inaccuracy, Immortality, Jace Wayland Plays the Piano, Mentions of Drowning, Multi, Music, Old Guard AU, Part 2, Sexual Content, Strangulation, Temporal Displacement, Temporary Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27857210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarisRasa/pseuds/SolarisRasa
Summary: Continuing my Old Guard Malec AU!“What was he like?”It was a simple question with an undoubtedly complex answer, but she couldn’t help it.or: Magnus learns that Alexander is free.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood
Series: My Love Adrift-An Old Guard AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1984789
Comments: 50
Kudos: 153





	1. Dreamers

**Author's Note:**

> This AU is based solely on the movie, jysk.  
> I replaced the Merrick scheme with a similar issue with Valentine, only they don't ban Jace. I am largely glossing over that section of time because uhhh this is very Malec focused.

Magnus stared, unseeing, into the depths of his long-cold tea. Luke was talking about options for them to mitigate their electronic footprint, but Magnus wasn’t in the well appointed office, not really.

-

The cobalt blue of Alexander’s favorite doublet beckoned him through the market crowds in a city that even his memory couldn’t name. His eternal, or he’d assumed then, companion reached back for him, encouraging him to hurry. They weren’t late for anything that Magnus was aware of but Alexander was full of surprises. 

He pulled Magnus through the throng of people and to the door of a small church. The little structure was well kept, the wooden walls scrubbed clean despite the sheer volume of life happening just a step away from them.

“Alexander! Thou canst-”

But Alexander had been determined and he’d simply given Magnus a fond, if exasperated, smile and led him inside. There was only a holy man, who glanced at them with a gentle look and went back to his business at the pulpit.

“Pray, why hast thou brought me to this place?”

Alexander’s bright joy made it impossible for the question to fall harshly from Magnus’ lips and he still remembers the heart racing answer singing in him when Alec had explained.

“I sought a path for our joining and I have found a priest who, if thou will it, has agreed to marry us!” 

“Thee and me?” Magnus had breathed, shocked and not a little afraid.

“Aye.”

No kiss had been sweeter than the first with his secret husband in that little church, the planks of which time had trodden into dust and bitter memory.

-

“Is Magnus...alright?” Clary was hesitant to ask, still sometimes feeling like an outsider in the group, but concern had pushed her past politeness.

Jace sighed where he sat, fingers gently running over the keys of Luke’s piano and Clary was reminded of finding him sitting calmly with Valentine four months ago, suffering in his gaze as he admitted to betraying them. It had been a hard lesson in forgiveness for them all to allow Jace to stay with them but the unfolding of events had shown them too well how insidious Valentine could be.

“Yeah.”

Clary frowned at him, “Okay, try again but with  _ feeling. _ Maybe I’ll buy it then.”

Jace pulled his hand away from the keys and twisted a little to face her directly, “He’s as alright as he’s been for the last four hundred years, give or take. You showed up in a whirlwind moment so you’ve only gotten to know focused, mission oriented Magnus. We keep busy, obviously, but there are lulls. It’s good, mostly. Izzy and Simon like to go off together or we all just  _ live  _ together a while, but it’s a lot calmer than you’ve seen so far. Magnus is mostly with us, but a few hours or days or sometimes longer, he’s with Alec,” Jace lightly brushed his fingers over his temple.

The memory of her nightmares, thankfully infrequent, kept Clary quiet long enough that Jace started playing a soft melody again. She watched his smooth movements, pulling together her thoughts. No one had said a word about Alec since the night she’d first asked about him and she was trying to respect that. The closest anyone had come to bringing him up was when Valentine had lamented their “missing” soldier and Magnus had lost whatever grip he had on himself. The plan had always been to bring Valentine in alive and bait out his followers but Clary couldn’t begrudge Magnus’ last minute change to that plan.

She did have nightmares, sometimes, of the broken frame of Valentine’s body and the methodic precision Magnus had cleaned the blood from his hands with later.

“How old is he?”

Jace didn’t falter, “Magnus?”

Clary already knew the answer to that,  _ old.  _

“Alec.”

Jace’s playing missed a key but he answered her, “Magnus met him in 1490.”

Clary blinked, “They were only together for a century? But, I thought he was older than everyone but Magnus?”

Immediately she caught the little smile, sardonic and strange, that touched Jace’s features, “1490, B.C. and from what he’s said, Magnus is still twice Alec’s age.”

Everytime she thought she had a handle on this, that she had grasped the fact that she would simply...continue, something new would shake her. The drowning man in her dreams, the one that had made Magnus’ eyes lose focus every other moment in recent days, was  _ millenia  _ old. Magnus himself was older. Clary wasn’t sure if she felt afraid or just impressed, especially since she’d seen all of these immortals use a smartphone.

“What was he like?”

It was a simple question with an undoubtedly complex answer, but she couldn’t help it.

Jace stopped playing but didn’t move to look at her again, instead his gaze seemed to slip past what was in front of him and Clary marvelled at how, suddenly, she could see the touches of time in him. Slowly, he shook his head, sighed.

“I have no idea how to parse Alec down to a few words and not feel like I’m leaving out everything important about him. I couldn’t describe any of them, not really, but Alec is the hardest. He was a part of me, closer than a brother, more like a shared soul.” Jace trailed off, mouth pinched.

“I’m sorry, I can’t imagine how hard it is to talk about this we can-”

“No, no, it’s better you ask me. Izzy loved him, saw him as her big brother, but there were sides of him she never really saw. He was so determined to protect her, to be someone she could lean on, and that changes how she saw him. The only person closer to him was Magnus and he...Clary, he  _ can’t  _ handle talking about Alec. They were like soulmates  _ before  _ they spent centuries together. I just…” He bit his lip in thought and then, “I write songs. I’ve written songs for each of us, something that tries to capture who we are. I add to them whenever I feel like I need to, I’ve even started yours,” He flashed her a little smirk before becoming serious again, “I could play you Alec’s?”

Clary nodded, “If that’s okay?”

Jace, still uncharacteristically serious, settled himself in position, then paused.

“The only thing I think you should know is that the beginning is something I wrote based on things Magnus and Alec told me about what Alec was like in the very start, when he was barely older than you are now. He was a gay man from a wealthy, titled,  _ opinionated, _ family who heaped demands and expectations for the future on him and he was, in many ways, terrified of Magnus and his own desires for freedom from those expectations.” Jace spoke very clearly but didn’t wait for an answer before he started.

The preface made sense the longer he played. What had started as a quiet melody with almost jarring jumps in the sound, slowly morphed into something stronger, fuller. Clary didn’t have the words to describe the sounds, but she could imagine a painting of the man the song evoked.

He would be strong, serious. He would stand in front of those he cared for, who needed him, but there would be warm colors, a softness to him that she would blur in at the edges of him. She thought she would  _ have  _ to paint the others on the canvas as well, unable to separate him from them without losing some crucial part. 

The song morphed and she could imagine that this was Jace’s attempt to interpret Alec with each of them, for the variations of sound. She liked what she heard, even the short little bridge that was Simon and Alec, and found herself sad to think there may never be a part for her.

Eventually the song wound down, into a discordant, lost sort of thing, before Jace lifted his hands. His fingers trembled and Clary pulled him close as he began to cry.

-

“Magnus.” 

He raised his head slowly from where it had been resting on the back of his hand, his fingers splayed over his chin. Clary was standing in Luke’s kitchen doorway, her eyes huge and glittering.

Looking from her to the glow of the stove clock he swallowed, she’d had another dream.

“Biscuit. Do you need a drink?” He was already moving to get her something but she shook her head.

“No. I-Magnus, the dream is different.”

He sat back down, fear and guilt churning in his gut. Fear that maybe Alexander was finally leaving the world and guilt at the little surge of relief he felt at the thought of his love finally being free.

“He’s not in the water anymore. I didn’t even realize, I dreamed about him coming ashore weeks ago, I think. It was so different I thought it was just a strange dream. He’s free, he’s moving quickly. I think he’s in Europe but it’s different now. Before it was like I  _ was  _ him, but now it’s like it was when I started dreaming of all of you, just flashes of feeling, moments of memory. He’s overwhelmed but he’s trying to get somewhere. It’s like he’s looking for a place that just, isn’t there anymore.”

Magnus had never suffered a heart attack, but he wondered if this was the time, it felt like the organ had simply stopped in his chest. He raised one ringed hand to press lightly over the spot he expected it to beat, just to be sure it was still working. 

Alexander was free. 

“Do you have any idea what he’s trying to find?”

Magnus did. He wanted to cry or shout or  _ something  _ but it felt like his emotions were still trying to catch up past the roar of  _ hope  _ that was filling him. Hope he might see his heart again.

“He’s trying to find our old rendezvous. We always set a place, in the old days, that no matter how far apart we’d been torn, we would return to and seek one another, leave a clue if we’d already been for the other to follow. The place is gone, of course, but if he’s looking I know where he is!”

Magnus pressed a shaky hand to his lips, the lipstick of the day worn rough by the long hours he was keeping.

“When do we leave?” Clary already looked ready to sprint out the door and Magnus remembered how terribly, awfully, young she was.

“I’m going alone.”

“What? Why?”

Magnus swallowed. There was no way to impress on her the weight that time placed on someone, the way that centuries could make you go mad, even without endless torment. How do you tell someone you are just coming to know that you aren’t safe and you’re going to find someone even more dangerous?

“Alexander may not be-He might be upset with us.”

Magnus would trade anything to find Alec whole, sane. He’d give anything, he’d endure eons of Alexander’s anger, if he had to, but he was afraid it wouldn’t be enough.

“You think he might be too crazy to be safe.” Clary’s gaze was sharp and he huffed, how quickly she’d fell in with them.

“I think that, sane or not, I would like to go alone to see my husband for the first time in centuries.”

She studied him then, a little sheepish but chin tilted up, she was stubborn, heartfelt little thing.

“If you go, I won’t tell the others until after you find him, just...text me.”

Gratitude swelled in him and Magnus tipped his head toward her, “Go back to bed Biscuit.”

She nodded and left him to his musings in the empty kitchen. He let out a shaky breath.

_ Alexander. Sayang...soon. _


	2. Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important to note that Alec is not quite sane and that he is four centuries out of place. He and Magnus have millennia together by this point and many things have passed between them. 
> 
> see end notes for WARNING

Alec tried not to flinch at the harsh sound of a chair scraping the concrete as he held tight to his ceramic mug. The little shop had been blissfully easy to navigate, no codes to scan or screen to read, just a menu posted on the wall and a girl who hadn’t blinked at his crumpled bills or archaic attempt at polite Italian.

He rubbed his thumb over the edge of the mug, grounding himself with the motion. He needed to find the others, needed help to gain his footing in the world as it was. He watched the other table, two women chatting over drinks and plates of pastries. People, he still understood but as they leaned close together to look at the strange little screen one of them held he lamented his displacement.

Even the smells were different now. The coffee was richer, smoother, the city was free of the stench that had often drifted from poor sanitation in overcrowded places but a different oily odor pervaded, broken by wafts of garbage from alleyways. Alec took a slow drink, focusing on the flavor and ignoring the way his stomach asked for something more than simple, black coffee.

When he’d been captured he’d had some wealth stored away. He was certain that, if Magnus lived, there was plenty of payment to go around. He could buy better clothes than his simple black shirt and thankfully sturdy pants he thought were called  _ jeans. _ It was another reason to search. Alec was carefully only focusing on reasons to find Magnus, ignoring the scratching feeling, the burning anger that had lit in his chest with every painful seizure as he drowned. It was not Magnus’ fault, what had happened to him, but he couldn’t let go of the thought that the others had more than enough time to  _ find  _ him. 

Someone stumbled, bumping Alec’s chair, and he came to his feet. He grabbed the stranger, snarling a threat in a latin, ready to trounce the man. Wide eyes stared back at him and slowly, carefully, one finger at a time, he let go.

“Perdonami.” Alec whispered, flexing his fingers, “Sono stato lontano dalle persone per molto tempo. Stai bene?”

_ I've been away from people for a long time. Are you alright? _

The man jerked his head, nodding that he was fine, and hurried away from Alec who slowly sat back down. The women at the next table were looking at him now, one with furrowed brows and the other with a softness in her expression.

“mi scusi signore, ha bisogno di aiuto?” The woman with black hair asked, leaning forward across the table. He blinked at her and then slowly shook his head. She frowned and repeated herself in accented, careful English.

“Excuse me sir, do you need help?”

Alec swallowed, “You have my thanks for your kind offer, but I am afraid you would not be able to assist me.”

Her companion tugged at her arm and whispered, “Per favore, amore, non puoi aiutare tutti! E se fosse pazzo?”

_ Please, love, you cannot help everyone! What if he is crazy? _

She whispered back, “Ascoltalo, qualcosa non va in lui. E se fosse nei guai?”

_ Listen to him, something is wrong with him. What if he is in trouble? _

Alec closed his eyes, this was why it had taken him so long to go so little distance even in this strange new world of cars and travel. His speech patterns were still strange, he didn’t know how to ask the right questions and when he’d asked for directions he sometimes named places that no longer existed or were called something new. 

“I am not stranded, I am simply displaced. I seek my-” He paused, but the dark haired woman had called the one with strange blue hair her love and he was curious how the world had changed, “I seek my husband.”

Both women blushed, realizing he most certainly could hear and understand their whispers but neither of them reacted strongly to his words and he smiled a little. It seemed that the world had learned a little while he was gone, if calling Magnus his husband was met without surprise or recourse. He hoped it had, at least.

“If you know his number, you could call him?”

She held up her odd little  _ phone  _ but he shook his head again, taking a deep drink of his cooling coffee, it was time to leave this conversation.

“I am sorry, I will find him alone. Thank you. Enjoy.”

He set his cup back down and stood, nodding to them and striding away, toward the church he could see in the distance. They called out to him but he ignored them. 

Alec was running out of patience with the noise of the city and the unhelpful, technology reliant people. It wasn’t their fault that Alec was asking after a park that no longer existed, or a building that had been made into a monument he could no longer safely hide in.

He tipped his head back, staring at the light playing against stained glass as he approached the Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore, the Florence Cathedral. He remembered watching them lay the first stones and he remembered visiting the artists painting the fresco’s inside with Magnus, bringing them sweet wines and listening to Magnus speak with them about the paint colors. He remembered Jace making a game of it to try and convince the painter to give angels his face and the young man who had sworn Izzy was his greatest muse.

Now the building was still lovely but the touch of time was visible and Alec closed his eyes, tears wet on his cheeks. Getting free of his prison had been the only thing driving him for centuries, there had been no room to think about the after. He took a shuddering breath, refusing to admit how  _ terrified  _ he was that he would never find the others. Worse though was the thought of finding out they had forgotten him, left his memory behind with a thousand others. It made Alec feel like the young man he barely remembered being, the one who had worried Magnus couldn’t  _ really  _ love him, that he was not worth enough for this sudden new life to last.

He opened his eyes and his breath seized in his chest.

Standing on the steps in front of him in a long red coat, black pants, and a silky purple shirt, his eyes lined in makeup and his hair different than Alec remembered, was Magnus.

-

Alexander looked like hell and he was still the most beautiful thing Magnus had ever seen. He thought of every great sight, every gorgeous sunset and bright-eyed beauty and they all paled next to his love. 

His dark hair was roughly cut, curling around his ears and thickly stubbled jaw, and he looked drawn and exhausted. His lips were chapped and bitten and Magnus could see where he had picked the skin on his thumbs raw with nerves. Finally, Magnus made eye contact and his heart broke.

Alexander’s dark eyes were wide, disbelieving and wildly hopeful, he looked uncertain and so terribly fragile. Magnus took another step and Alexander stepped back, his throat bobbing.

“Sayang-” Magnus started, stepping forward, and watched Alexander tremble violently.

“Berhenti. Saya tidak tahu apakah saya akan memeluk atau menyakiti Anda. Saya tidak-  Pikiranku tidak sehat.”

_ Stop. I don't know if I will hug you or hurt you. I do not- My mind is not healthy. _

Magnus stopped.

Alexander shuddered again and slowly moved closer, his movements were controlled, careful, and his eyes wary. Magnus waited, his skin ached to know Alexander’s touch and he felt like he was bleeding centuries of grief and guilt on the steps of the cathedral, but he waited.

Finally Alexander reached for him, one hand slowly moving toward his cheek. Magnus couldn’t stop himself from stretching forward a bit, offering his skin. 

They touched and Magnus closed his eyes, leaning into the light brush of Alexander’s cool fingers. His hands fluttered at his sides as he resisted the urge to grip Alec’s hand and hold it to his face.

He didn’t need to. Alexander grabbed him close before he could make any moves and Magnus collapsed into him. They stood in the sun, clinging to each other without a sound, without tears, just gripping tight and Magnus felt wild in his desperation. 

When they parted it was only to shuffle away from the looming buildings, pressed close to one another, Magnus’ arm wrapped tight around Alexander’s waist. His sweatshirt was thin, cheap material that no doubt itched without another shirt beneath and Magnus didn’t speak, just headed for his hotel, Alec as close as he could get and still walk.

-

Alec had paid attention the whole way, he needed to know how to get back to the cathedral because he could tell, when the relief of  _ Magnus  _ let up, he was going to have some reaction, some feelings, and he might need to leave. He didn’t want to be away from Magnus again, but the moment he looked at Magnus he was consumed with the dual desires to hold him and to harm him. 

He would need answers, more than just guidance in the new century, and he doubted those answers would be pleasant. For now though, he just needed to touch, to know with all his senses that he had found his heart, broken though it may be.

Magnus stepped away from him and Alec couldn’t stop the way he grabbed at him, yanking him close again and holding him painfully tight, breathing sharply.

“Alexander-”

“Oh  _ God.”  _ Alec moaned, the way his heart clenched at the sound of his own name from Magnus’ lips, painful and perfect.

“I’m not leaving, I just need to take off my coat.” Alec loosened his grip and allowed Magnus to shrug the long jacket off, taking the chance to remove his shoes and prompting Magnus to kick his boots off.

As soon as they were finished, Magnus pressed against him.

“Alexander.” Magnus repeated, breathless and warm, and Alec gave into the pull between them, crushing Magnus to him and taking his lips in a harsh kiss. Their teeth clicked painfully and Alec tasted blood but he couldn’t stop, his hands frantic as he gripped Magnus. The frenetic, desperate passion was returned as Magnus’ fingers dug into his back hard enough to bruise, mouth open and hungry under the insistence of Alec’s lips. 

Alec spared a thought for sanity, for the rationality of jumping into things but whatever else, he knew Magnus to his very bones. No matter why they had left Alec to the crush of dark water, he would never stop loving any of them, least of all Magnus.

They pulled at one another’s clothing, Alec’s shirt tearing at the neck as Magnus yanked him back into their kiss when he tried to move away. They fell together to the uncomfortable hotel carpet, the bed in the next room too far. 

In the end Alec’s jeans were shoved to his knees, his torn shirt rucked up to give Magnus room to bite bruises over his torso as he hastily kicked his own pants totally off, his shirt still on. The silk brushed Alec’s aching cock with every movement and he arched against Magnus, half mad with the need to feel his skin.

Magnus crawled back up his body, trailing kisses as he went, unable to stop touching Alec. The fingers of one of Alec’s hands were tangled in Magnus’ hair, his other arm trying to bring Magnus closer, gripping at his hip, his shoulder.

They kissed, cock’s dragging together as Magnus rutted down against Alec, mindless. The taste of salt clung to Alec’s tongue but he couldn’t say if it was sweat or tears or which of theirs it might be. 

They moved together, pressed so near one another that it was almost painful, sweat working to ease the drag of hot skin but not quite sufficient. It didn’t matter, Magnus sunk his teeth into Alec’s earlobe with a low groan and Alec’s hips snapped up and that was it. He came against Magnus, gasping and sobbing out in broken words. Magnus followed him in seconds, panting his name and clinging to him.

Slowly the forceful need ebbed, their sweat cooled, and Magnus slid off, laying against his side.

“Jace and Izzy? Simon?” Alec managed, working to get his air back but making no effort to move.

“All fine. They don’t know you’re back yet.” 

“You, how?”

Magnus took his hand and Alec rolled his head to look at him but he was looking at the ceiling.

“There’s a new one. Clary. She’s been with us for almost a year, she’s good for Jace and Izzy’s enjoyed having another girl around. Simon’s already best friends with her.”

Alec didn’t answer, the feeling he’d been replaced echoed through him and the only words he could find were unkind.

_ Is there room for me? _

_ Do you fuck her too? _

_ Why did you not save me? _

It appeared that they had not been apart so long that Magnus could no longer read him though and his husband touched his cheek with infinite tenderness.

“With you home, we might even be complete. Saya tidak lagi harus hidup tanpa hati.”

_ I will no longer have to live without a heart. _

Alec kissed his palm, “There is still much to say. I am not as I was and the world is much changed.”

Magnus nodded, pain in his golden eyes, “I know. I promise we’ll talk, but...tomorrow?”

Looking down at the mess on his skin and his ruined clothing, Alec let himself smile, “Tomorrow. Wash with me?” 

-

As the first grey light of dawn washed into their room, Alexander shifted where he lay listening to Magnus’ heartbeat. Neither of them had slept, too focused on being together. Magnus had counted Alec’s slow breaths for hours, savoring every one. 

“I do not know how to do this.”

Alexander’s voice was scratchy, reminiscent of a hundred mornings before. 

“What don’t you know how to do?”

Against him, Alec huffed, “I am...a shipwrecked sailor in the world. I know the streets until suddenly they change, the people are unreachable, separated from me by time and the change of many seasons. Even you-” Alec choked on the words and Magnus held him tighter, fingers running soothing patterns on his shoulders, “-You seem as you were on the white shores of Crete.”

Magnus closed his eyes, the memory returned to him easily. His Alexander, only just accepting that he was unfettered by time and not yet ready to return the love growing in Magnus’ breast, shouting at him at the edge of the sea. It had been one of their earliest fights. Alec driven to anger and fear as Magnus flirted, not only by the feelings between them, but by the sheer unknown of who Magnus  _ was.  _

“You told me I was a great secret who had flayed you open.”

Alec nodded, “You know all of me and I have missed centuries of you.”

Magnus tipped Alexander’s chin so he could look into hazel eyes, “I would be happy to tell you every story, but, Alexander, without you I’m afraid I’ve been terrible at  _ living  _ and to really change, one has to live.”

“I am afraid that I will never catch up to the world Magnus.”

Magnus kissed his forehead, “You’re a “stranger in a strange land”. We’ll help you.”

It was silent again until the creeping light started to tint yellow with the risen sun. 

“What if I am mad?”

“Do you feel crazy?”

Alexander pulled away so they were facing each other, legs still wound together, “At times. Was-” He bit his lip sharply, stopping.

“Please, don’t.” Magnus pressed his thumb to Alec’s chin, asking him to speak.

“Was I so hard to find?”

The air rushed out of Magnus’ lungs and he withdrew his hand, “We tracked down as many of the men on that ship as we could, we asked but most of the ones who could’ve told us where they dropped you refused or lied. We tried, for a century, to find you, combing the waters we had guessed you might be in. Raphael joined us and I thought, maybe, it meant you had died. He was like a son, to me. We kept listening for word of you, I returned every year to search for a time, but we were needed.”

Alexander’s face was carved stone and Magnus hated it, had no idea what his thoughts were but knew they couldn’t be good.

“You stopped?” Alec’s voice was quiet.

“Eventually. Technology improved, gave us all new hope, and we tried again but still...nothing. Then Raphael died.” Magnus blinked away the ghost of his friend, “I was on a boat, staring out at the water and I realized that I could tell where we were without a map just from the position of the first stars, that I had combed the water where you might be so thoroughly it was becoming a sickness. I thought of Raphael, of Catarina, Ragnor, and I knew you had to be dead. For fifty years I’ve not been back.”

Alexander pushed away from him, getting out of bed and dressing silently, his motions efficient and controlled. Fear made Magnus’ hands frantic as he yanked back the bedding, “Alec?”

Picking up Magnus’ red coat and pulling it on over his own ruined clothes, Alexander didn’t answer, just left.

Magnus pressed his palms to his face.

-

Within the Cathedral Santa Maria del Fiore was the crypt of Santa Reparata and with a few soft words and a black card from Magnus’ coat pocket, Alec gained entry hours earlier than it opened.

He stood in the chamber, the dead and mosaics around him utterly silent.

They had given up.

Slowly he lowers himself to the floor, staring at nothing. 

Jace had stopped looking for him, Izzy had left him to drowning, Simon hadn’t-

_ Magnus _ decided he was dead and they all moved on.

He curled over his knees and let the dead bear witness to his breaking.

-

Clary sighed heavily into her phone, “Magnus? What do you want me to tell them?”

_ “Tell them Alexander is alive, that he’s back and that he’s…” _

“What Magnus?” Clary asked gently.

_ “We should never have stopped looking for him. He’s never going to forgive us, me, oh-” _

Magnus devolved into another language and Clary blinked the moisture from her green eyes, “I’ll tell them you found him but you need time. I don’t know him, but everyone talked about how much he loved you, Magnus, it’ll be okay.”

The call disconnected.

-

Alec returned after dark. Magnus was where he’d been when Alec left, tear tracks dried on his cheeks as he slept.

He was beautiful. Alec thought he might hate him, or maybe he just loved him so much it was impossible to separate from hate when there was hurt between them.

Driven by the wild animal that had taken up residence in his ribcage as he fought to escape the watery hell he’d been consigned to, he eased one large hand around Magnus’ throat. It was warm, pulse steady against his palm.

Magnus opened his eyes, his face twisting in confusion and then acceptance and even relief.

“Sayang. I’m sor-”

Alec tightened his grip, cutting off Magnus words as he stole his air. Magnus’ hands jerked up like they were going to shove Alec away, but instead Magnus just touched his cheek, not fighting.

“I tried, every moment I was awake I attempted to hold my breath. There was no air to draw in, only water, only the dark. Sometimes I woke to creatures in my mouth, sometimes they ate my eyes or bit at my skin. I sought death or freedom, I could hardly live long enough to think of one or the other-” Magnus’ face was going purple, his eyes glassy, “A small fishing boat found me. The captain thought he struck some treasure. I woke to light and air for the first time in hundreds of years and I screamed for you, I beat my hands bloody trying to get out. The men who saved me were terrified, they cut me free of the metal and crossed themselves. They were poor, they  _ found  _ me.”

Under his hands Magnus’ heart was hammering, his eyes rolling as his body fought for air, his back arched and Alec climbed over him, holding him down.

“Poor fisherman! You gave me up! You left me, in the box I had saved you from, you left me to die and die, to drown and to lose everything that made me! I  _ believed  _ in you.”

Alec didn’t let go until Magnus was limp, no heartbeat pounding under his hands, bruises circling his throat. He pulled away, shaking.

The bruises didn’t fade immediately and new fear pounded through Alec. He’d been gone a long time. He hadn’t asked if Magnus was still immortal, he’d just assumed but they both knew any death might still be the end.

“Husband?” Alec asked, voice rough, his actions settling into him as his own chest constricted. The drowning feeling that haunted him rose as he watched Magnus stay unmoving. 

Then Magnus jackknifed upright, sucking in air desperately.

“Oh Gods, mercy.” Alec breathed, collapsing onto the bed beside Magnus.

“Are you feeling better or do we need to do that again?” Magnus asked, tone even and offering and Alec cringed.

“No.” 

Alec turned to pull Magnus close, “I love you. This is not forgiveness, not yet, but I am tired and lost and I will love you through it all.”

“And I you. You have all the time you need, but let’s buy you new clothes tomorrow. Then we can rejoin the others?”

Alec considered that, “Yes. I shall see them a while. Then we should go someplace alone, to learn forgiveness.”

“Thee and me?” Magnus asked, eyes alight, and Alec marveled at the light in his arms.

“Aye.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec strangles Magnus, to death because hello immortality, in a moment of grief and anger. If you want to bypass that Skip from "Driven by the wild animal that had taken up residence..." to "Then Magnus Jackknifed upright..."


	3. Statues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fairly soft re-intro. I upped the chapter count because it worked better to break this up into two, the next chapter will not be so easy.  
> Also languages are: Latin (A Roman insult), French, and Spanish  
> As usual I'm just using google soooooo

The counter in Luke’s kitchen was wood, treated but not shining, meant for use. The honey color of the wood tied the brown tile into the cream cabinets well and Clary found that she appreciated how easy it was to stare at, function and form. 

For a room with five people in it, the kitchen was very still. 

Luke stood near the stove, hands working methodically as he mixed and kneaded several batches of dough. He was a practical man, working on homemade pizza for everyone. The others were held to a terrible motionlessness that would’ve made Clary’s skin crawl had she not also been affected.

Magnus’ text that morning had turned them into impatient statues.

_ Alexander and I will be there tonight. _

There was no other explanation and any attempts the rest of them had made to ask for more went unanswered. Clary wondered, her eyes tracing the grout lines in the backsplash, if the others were worried. The last any of them knew, after Clary had finally told them where Magnus had gone, Alec was angry.

Jace sucked in a breath, louder than he’d been for hours. It was the fracture they needed, as immediately Simon smacked his arm with a little cry and Izzy laughed at them both. 

“You scared the hell out of me man!”

Jace snorted, “Oh no. I breathe sometimes.”

“Anybody have preferences for what I put on these pizzas?” Luke interjected, smoothly cutting Simon off. Clary blinked, gaze darting between the other four as the haze lifted. The room even seemed brighter as Izzy and Jace started bickering over the merits of olives on pizza.

“Does Alec like olives?” She asked, watching Izzy pout as Simon took Jace’s side.

There was a beat, the other three glanced at each other and then slowly, uncertain, Izzy answered, “He used to eat kalamata’s, but uh, pizza wasn’t really a thing for him.”

“Put olives on one.” Jace said, more serious than before.

“He’s missed a lot.” Simon sighed, rubbing his fingers over the finish on the table, “I’m surprised he got anywhere at all.”

“I do know where to find information. Libraries are not new.” 

Everyone turned at the sound of the tired voice from the kitchen door. Clary smiled at Magnus, standing just behind the other man. 

“Alec.” Jace breathed.

She hadn’t needed the confirmation, but it was nice. He was  _ tall  _ with dark hair that looked like it needed a proper cut, full lips pulled into a warm smile and the way his face crinkled took the seriousness out of it, adding a gleam to his hazel eyes. He was gorgeous if a bit worn. 

“Jace.” 

The blonde was out of his chair and hugging Alec to him in the next breath and Clary watched the way Alec clung to him, face buried in his neck for a long time. Alec’s knuckles were white and Jace was visibly shaking.

When they finally parted Jace swiped at his eyes, “You look like shit.”

“ _ quis est haec simia?  _ He has my brother’s personage but he wears it poorly!”

_ who is this monkey? _

Jace shoved at Alec’s shoulder, grinning even though Clary could see tears gathered in his eyes, “Shove off you wordy bastard.”

Magnus laughed, “Would you get out of the way so he can see someone else?”

Jace wiggled his eyebrows, “Aw, but I’m the best view.”

“Would that I was blind.” 

“Alec! m'a fait mal si tôt? Eh bien ... soyez méchant avec quelqu'un d'autre.”

_ Hurt me already? Well ... be mean to someone else. _

Jace returned to his seat but his gaze stayed locked on Alec, a hungry light in his eyes and Clary reached for his hand, not minding when he didn’t look at her, just squeezed in thanks.

“Alec, hey.” Simon was next, looking a little uncertain as he stood in a jerky movement.

“Simon.” Alec raised a thick eyebrow and Clary tensed, expecting the anger finally. Then Alec held out his arms and his expressions softened.

Simon, tearing up, threw himself into the hug. It was much shorter than Jace’s had been and Clary remembered, they didn’t know each other well.

“It’s good to have you back.” Simon said thickly and Alec nodded, “Eventually you and I will speak, since you have courted my sister.”

Simon looked an interesting mixture of frightened and awed but returned to his seat. 

Clary expected Isabelle to burst out of her seat, but she had stayed perfectly silent and still since Alec had spoken. Even now she didn’t move. Magnus squeezed Alec’s arm, catching his attention for a split second, before he joined Luke, speaking softly. 

Alec lowered himself to his knees beside Izzy, “Hermana, te he extrañado.”

_ Sister, I have missed you _

He touched her shoulder softly and she broke, collapsing into his arms and letting him cradle her close to his chest, whispering softly to her in a language Clary thought might have been Spanish. She sobbed softly and Simon reached out, rubbing his hand in circles across her back as Alec held her.

Luke cleared his throat, drawing Clary’s attention. Beside him Magnus was watching Alec and Izzy, his features sharp with pain, and she understood. Luke was not immortal, he was their touchstone to the modern world but he stood outside of them, Clary was immortal, but she wasn’t part of this yet. She left her chair, moving so she didn’t disturb the others, and followed Luke out of the kitchen.

In his living room he rubbed a hand over his stubble and breathed out.

“He seems better than I expected.” Clary said.

“He’s not frothing at the mouth, but the way Magnus was watching him worries me. If he’s as stable as he seems though…” 

Luke looked thoughtful and the longer he stayed quiet the more annoyed Clary felt.

“What?"

He moved to the bookshelf where he kept a secure box with a few folders, one on each of them. He opened it, not bothering to block her view, she wasn’t who they were protected from, and pulled a thin folder out.

“He was trapped four centuries ago, there’s not as reliable a record, but I was able to put together some of the things he did by cross referencing with the others and I added notes from the  _ very  _ little that’s been said about him.”

Clary nodded and Luke flipped the folder open, showing her a painting. It was a depiction of some battle and clearly not an image of the entire painting, just a section of one side. A horse archer, depicted without a helmet by the artist, and a mounted swordsman were together, a circle of bodies around them, their foreheads pressed together. Having seen them, Clary could easily make out Alec and Magnus’ features in the painting. Luke flipped to another painting, a leisure scene this time.

Alec, naked but for a sheet tangled with his legs, asleep with his head resting in an equally nude Magnus’ lap. Both wore their hair longer, Alec’s curling around his face. Another painting, Isabelle and Jace dancing, Alec visible just beyond them, watching.

“I took these pictures.”

Clary frowned, “You’ve seen the original paintings? What museum has them?”

Luke shook his head, “They’re all in Magnus’ private collection. I searched but no artist captured a single image that was publicized of more than one of them the entire time Alec was with them. The only paintings I found were a few fresco's seraphim or saints that Jace or Izzy had a hand in. After Alec though,” He flips to a new image, a scan from a museum in Prague, “more images appear in the public eye. I think he was already trying to keep them from being captured. I think he’s the real leader.”

Clary stared at the picture, Simon offering wine to Jace on the deck of a ship, Izzy and Magnus to their left, staring over the sea in profile. The artist rendered misery in each of their expressions and when Clary glanced at the title she wasn't surprised.

_ The Seekers  _ c.1623

“So...he’s the leader because he didn’t let paintings of them circulate?”

Luke closed the file, “No. I think he was the leader because prior to his disappearance any reference to them or image of them is in clear reference to their work. They were methodic, they had a system and it was working. He kept them on track. After, more references appear to things like “unkillable brawlers” or “Barkeep bans man after he drinks the entire supply, doesn’t die.” and the work gets less consistent, messier. Some would be understandable, but even two hundred years later the records I’ve put together show a less consistent approach and more reckless action.”

“Things are pretty put together now.”

Luke rubbed his cheek, “I think whatever happened to Raphael incentivized Magnus to really step into the void Alec left. I think that they were unwilling to define a clear leader, which this sort of operation  _ needs  _ because they saw it as letting go of him. From what I can gather, Raphael died on a mission that went especially sour. My guess? Recklessness and ineffective strategy were big factors.”

Clary walked toward the picture window, staring out at the trees that surrounded Luke’s house. She felt the world shifting under her feet once more.

“So, d’you think Alec will lead us again?”

Luke shrugged, tapping the folder against his open palm, “I don’t know, but I think something is going to change. If I came into this world after four hundred years, I’d have some pretty big gaps to fill but after? I’d probably have some big ideas for trying to make things...different. Better, hopefully.”

“You think he’s going to have a mission.”

“I know he is. The question is, how will it affect the world?”

-

After Izzy gathered herself, pressing a kiss to Alec’s temple and leaving with Simon trailing after her, Magnus pressed against Alec’s side. 

The feeling of his husband’s arm against his grounded him, eased the pressure on his chest. Jace clasped his shoulder on his other side with a little smile and Alec covered his hand, squeezing.

“We’ll talk tomorrow?” 

Alec nodded, watching Jace’s serious expression melt into a mischievous grin, “For tonight, you’d better go meet Clary and uh, say hi to Luke.”

“I’ll thank him for allowing us to stay in his home.” Alec promised, but Magnus clicked his tongue in disapproval.

“Oh? You have always insisted my manners are-”

“Alexander, we both know that as much as I love to tease you, your manners are impeccable when needed. It’s...you can thank Luke but the truth is he owes us this. He created a  _ very  _ large problem for us a few months ago and this is part of his...penance.”

Alec frowned at Magnus, it was rare that he felt the need to punish someone and what he had said of Luke made it seem strange. There was a fire in his eyes though and a strange wash of guilt in Jace’s. Alec nodded once, but held his tongue. He guessed it was something to inquire about later.

“Go, let’s show him to Clary.” Jace made a motion with his hands, grinning again.

Magnus huffed, “If anything we’re showing Clary to him.”

“Yeah but Alec isn’t a painter. Besides, you know she’s nervous about meeting him.”

Alec raised an eyebrow at that, “Because she’s new?”

Jace bobbed his head, pushing them both to get them moving, “Yeah and because she thinks you’re going to try and shovel talk her.”

Magnus pulled him along and he didn’t have time to figure out why the girl would be concerned about his discussing gardening tools before he was facing her. She was seated on the tan leather couch in Luke’s living room, feet tucked under her as she sketched quietly.

Magnus nodded to Luke who turned for the kitchen.

“Luke?” Alec stopped him, “You have my thanks for the use of your home.”

Luke’s eyes darted to Magnus but he nodded, “It’s the least I could do. Hey, do you like olives?”

Uncertain why and thrown off by the redirection Alec nodded slowly, only more confused by Jace groaning, “Only on half!”

“Dinner.” Luke supplied with a wink to Alec and the confusion cleared.

“Darling?” Magnus nudged him.

Alec took a slow breath, he would have preferred to wait until he felt more centered to properly meet Clary, but considering they would be sharing a meal soon it might be rude. Alright, he recognized it would definitely be rude. 

He stepped closer to her, eyes catching on the sketch in her hands. It was of him and Jace embracing. She was quite good and she worked quickly, to already have so much of it roughed in that he could recognize them.

“I see we are adding another talent.” He said, watching her startle with some amusement.

“Oh! I...sorry. I was, uh, focused, I guess. I-” She set her sketching aside quickly, “I hope it’s okay that I was drawing, um, you?”

Alec appraised her, watching her squirm a little. She never dropped her gaze, defiant even as she apologized and he gave her a slow smile.

“It’s alright. Do you draw us often?”

She blushed then and held out her sketchbook, “I only draw people in this one, so I can keep track of it easier.”

He flipped to the beginning, a drawing of Magnus with his sword across his knees in a sleeveless shirt. Then Isabelle with her whip coiled at her feet, hair braided back and face fierce. Simon strumming a guitar with a little smile, his feet up on a table. Jace at his piano, several pages of Jace, reading, sleeping. One of Izzy and Simon tangled together with a bowl of something resting on Izzy’s stomach, both of them looking at something off the page. Magnus, sitting at a table with distant eyes.

He touched the page with gentle fingers, “None of yourself?”

Clary shrugged, reaching for the book, “I’m not really a self-portrait person and I don’t-” she bit her lip. Alec knew the look in her eyes, he remembered Izzy when she first joined them.

“You don’t think you fit.”

Another shrug. Alec sat beside her, Magnus trailing after him, a quiet shadow. He was trying not to intrude on their meeting, Jace, even, was hovering across the room but Magnus couldn’t stray so far from Alec. Neither of them could bear it. 

“I believe, should you draw yourself in this book, you will fit better than you think.” He touched the cover of the sketchbook, “I wonder if I will, anymore.”

Clary’s eyes were huge as she looked at him and he offered her a wane smile, “Someone who did not belong with them would not  _ see  _ them,” He nudged her hand and flipped to the picture of Jace reading, “If I had been shown this without knowing who you were, I would know my brother trusts you,” He turned to Jace sleeping, “I would know he cares for you."

Jace joined them then, looking down at the drawings, “I do."

Alec looked up at him and was glad to know that many things could still pass unspoken between them. Jace was coming to love this tiny girl, he worried for her and wanted Alec to like her.

“Then you, Clary, are very much a fit.”

Clary blushed but nodded, “Thank you.”

Alec leaned away, settling so he was against Magnus’ shoulder, reaching for his husband’s hand and pressing a kiss to his palm.

“You are too.” She wasn’t looking at him, returning to her drawing of him and Jace, but her voice was firm. Alec smiled, a little thing.

Here, pressed to Magnus, able to feel the warmth and breath of him, Jace standing over them, Izzy and Simon’s voices audible down the hall, he felt like he did. He couldn’t shake the memory of the darkness though, the pressing knowledge of Magnus’ life draining under his hands.

The drag of Clary’s pencil sounded the way his fingers had felt, scrapping the metal of his cage. He pressed another careful kiss to Magnus’ hand, closed his eyes. He imagined sinking his teeth into the soft meat of his husband's hand, the iron tang of blood. 

“Alright, Sayang?” Magnus murmured, pressing his lips to Alec’s shoulder.

He nodded, humming softly, his eyes still closed, and Magnus relaxed.

How long, he wondered, could he pretend he was okay?


	4. Recollections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter technically covers a couple of days. The next installment in the series should have more Izzy in it :)

_odi et amo. quare id faciam fortasse requiris. nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior._

_-Cattulus, Poem 85_

| 

_I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask why I do this. I don’t know, but I feel it happening and I am utterly tortured._  
  
---|---  
  
  
  


When he died the first time the experience left Jace with night terrors. Even now he could close his eyes and remember the cunning madness in his father’s eyes as the hunting knife was shoved into his chest. He remembered the crisp air and the smell of early winter as the iron tang of his blood tainted it. 

He remembered Izzy, dark eyes uncertain for weeks, even under Alec’s careful loving watch. She’d died screaming too. 

Simon was easier, a laugh and a quip covered so much of him and he’d already been alone a while when Jace and Izzy had found him. 

Raphael had let no one but Magnus near enough to know what, exactly, had happened to him. Jace had his suspicions, with how fiercely Raphael tried to clean up the streets of his home city, how Magnus had helped him. 

After Alec, Magnus was fractured in a way that Jace usually associated with new immortality, a lost uncertainness in him. 

Clary’s little whimpers had kept him awake for weeks when she’d joined them. The knife that had ended her life had nearly been a mercy. 

He’d heard all of them cry out, had felt his own throat burn with the strength of his yells. 

The screaming that tore him from his bed now was that of a banshee. Some wounded, mad thing had joined them in the house and the rawness of the sound, the wordless howling made him want to claw away his eardrums.

He ran toward the sound, Izzy and Simon joining him with wild eyes even as Luke and Clary stumbled into the hall.

He shoved open Magnus’ door, gun raised.

Simon breathed a short prayer in Hebrew as they all crowded into the doorway, staring.

Alec was clawing wildly at Magnus, blood smearing where he tore into skin, his dark eyes were open wide. The screams that strained his throat came with the thrashing of his legs, his back arching as he tried to throw Magnus off of him. 

Naked and bleeding, Magnus twisted toward them with a snarl, “Out!”

Jace handed his gun to Izzy and ignored Magnus’ order, though he was glad to realize the others had backed off. 

“ _ Jace.”  _ Magnus made his name sound like a curse.

Jace could see the bloody scratches, already healing, over Magnus’ cheek and eyelid. Alec had definitely gotten his eye with that one. 

“You can’t hold him and calm him. Let me help!”

He was forced to yell over the sounds of Alec screaming. He stayed out of reach until Magnus gave a sharp nod, muscles locking as he held Alec down through another round of thrashing.

Jace yanked his shirt off, grabbed Alec’s arms, leaving Magnus to hold his legs, and used his shirt to bind Alec’s wrists together, holding tight. As they held him down, Magnus gently stroking his face and speaking softly, trying the languages of their earliest days, the screams subsided. 

Alec was gasping around sobs when he finally managed words.

“ Placere. Magne, non possunt respirare!”

_ Please, Magnus, I can’t breathe! _

Jace imagined the red flesh of his heart as it was crushed under the pain of watching Alec suffer and swallowed hard around the thought of what Magnus must be going through.

“Yes you can. Sayang, you can.” Magnus answered, cradling Alec’s face with his bloodied hands, “Look at me, just at me.”

The wild searching slowed and Jace watched as Alec stared into Magnus’ eyes, slowly matching his breaths to Magnus’. He shuddered and Jace realized the bound wrists he was holding had gone limp, no fight left. He carefully unwound his shirt.

“Alec?” His own voice was wrecked and he registered that his cheeks were damp with tears.

Alec’s eyes, the darkness giving way to a watery blue-green that seemed much more lucid, flicked to him.

“Sorry Jace. Thank you.”

Jace flinched at the rasp that left his brother.

“Go, tell the others it’s alright. Get some sleep Jace.” Magnus spoke softly but there was a clear bite to his name that told Jace his welcome had worn thin. He gave them both a jerky nod and left, his ruined shirt clenched tightly. 

-

Alec’s hand shook as he covered his eyes. He sat with elbows propped on the kitchen table in the dark. Magnus was leaning against the doorframe, having refused to stay in their room.

“You should rest.” 

Magnus snorted.

“At least one of us should.”

Magnus didn’t answer that, but Alec heard him moving around the room. A soft exhalation of an opening cupboard, the rasp of a drawer, a few soft noises as Magnus set down dishes and the clink of a spoon, a crinkle of paper. The smell of coffee.

“Magnus.”

“Alexander.”

Alec dropped the hand to aim a stern look at his husband, or meant to but missed the mark by a foot or so and frowned. He was out of practice, apparently. The realization only served to add to the pit in his stomach and he clenched his fist, paying careful attention to the way his skin stretched over his knuckles.

It was odd, to think about the texture of his skin. The water had kept him in a strange state, trying to destroy him even as he had healed, his skin too soft. The longer he had the space to remember his prison, the more he realized he could catalogue. While he’d been there, he’d been consumed by the drowning, the desperate attempts to get out, the unending agony of it. He didn’t know that he was so aware of what was happening outside of the burning in his lungs and the madness.

The table is cool under his hands as he splayed his fingers wide. Even his bow calluses were back, a determined part of him as much as his fingernails or the mole on his shoulder. 

A cup of coffee bumped against his right hand as he stared at it in the blue dark of night, the green glow of the stove clock the only light.

He wrapped his hand around it, hissing at the slight burn but not releasing it.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus was leaned against the counter now, facing him but out of reach. His sleep pants hung low on his hips, his bare chest still had tracks of blood dried in place and he was looking down. Alec couldn’t make out his expression but his voice was soft and self-loathing.

“I know.” Alec sighed, “I know. I-” 

All the heat in Alec seemed to be emanating from the cup of coffee he clung to and he lost the words to absolve Magnus.

“I’m going to shower.” Magnus set his cup down, “I want you to...will you join me?”

Alec flinched. He’d bathed with a cloth and a small basin since he’d come back and he couldn’t bare the thought of more water, not with the exposed nerve his dreams had made him.

“No. Alexander, not in the shower, just, sit in the bathroom with me?”

Alec breathed, “Alright. Will we talk?”

“No, no I don’t think I-” Magnus’ voice had gone shaky, he still wasn’t looking up and Alec tasted shame, “-I can’t tonight.”

Magnus couldn’t bear to apologize and get nothing but Alec’s inability to forgive, he couldn’t show his belly only for Alec to prove he no longer knew what to do with that trust. Alec flexed his hands. Once they’d been good for gentle things, not just fighting, once he’d known how to ease the hurt in Magnus. Now he thought he might only be able to suffocate. 

“Alright.”

-

Simon found Alec sitting in the grass, face turned toward the sun. His eyes were closed, the shirt almost certainly one of Magnus’ and he looked like a picture of exhaustion.

“I am not a serpent to be tread carefully past Simon.”

He hadn’t opened his eyes or given any indication he was aware he was being watched but Simon just rolled his eyes. 

“I always assumed Magnus was the dramatic one.”

Alec cracked an eye open and Simon winced, they were pretty much immune to bloodshot eyes but they could still look soul-weary. 

“Well, he is more obvious about it.”

Simon laughed at that and flopped down beside Alec, wrestling his phone out of his front pocket with an embarrassing lack of grace. He was centuries old, damnit, why couldn’t he manage to look cool, still?

“I thought you might want to see something. Magnus didn’t want me to show you, he doesn’t think you’re ready, but I think you might need it.”

Alec opened both eyes, more green today, and focused, “This is why you approached me whilst he sought counsel with Luke?”

“While they chat? Yeah.”

Alec frowned a little and Simon grinned, “Don’t worry man, we’ll get your vernacular straightened out.”

“Unlikely.” Alec deadpanned and Simon opened his mouth to reassure but there was a different glint in Alec’s eye. “Straightening me out is impossible, I enjoy cock far too much.”

Simon choked.

He’d entirely forgotten, as the others stopped talking about Alec, that he was blunt with a terrible sense of humor that snuck up at the most unexpected times. 

“That was terrible.” 

Alec shrugged, but there was a lightening in his eyes, just a little and Simon was pleased.

“Anyway, genital preferences aside, here.”

Simon held out his phone and Alec simply stared at it. He made a motion for Alec to take it and he did, just staring that the play button on the screen with furrowed brows.

“A…” Alec sighed through his nose, “Simon is this supposed to mean something?”

“Oh!” Simon scooted closer, sitting upright more to be shoulder-to-shoulder with Alec, “Sorry, the play button is so ingrained I forgot you wouldn’t know what it was. Here, it’s a video, well one of a bunch actually. I have various ones of everybody, even a few of Clary already. I took it in 2010, Magnus was very drunk.”

He tapped the play button and watched Alec scrunch his nose as the video began.

~

_ Magnus swayed where he was sitting on the edge of an coffee table, looking seriously at the camera.  _

_ “D’you know how hard it is to get fucked up? You gotta just-” He brought a bottle to his lips and drank for a long, long moment, “Fuckin’ replace your blood with the shit just to maintain a buzz.” _

_ Simon had laughed, “You’re more than buzzed.” _

_ “Fuck you.” _

_ “Not my job.” _

_ Magnus’ face crumpled, he took another long drink, dropping the empty bottle and swiping another one off the floor, “No. It’s Alexander’s.” _

_ Simon sighed, offscreen. _

_ “It’s not fair. We looked so hard...I want him back so bad. I-I’ve been trying so hard.” _

_ Simon, sounding confused, asked, “We agreed to stop the boat trips, we agreed that we needed a break, at least.” _

_ “Not the boats. The internet, Si. I get-” Magnus grabbed his phone from where it was tossed on the table, poking at it clumsily, “I get notifications every time any of my keywords come up!” _

_ He thrust the phone at the screen, hundreds of notifications visible for a flash. _

_ “Looks like you haven’t cleared them in a while.” _

_ Magnus shook his head, blinking, his voice was much more serious when he answered, “I clear them every two hours. I have to find him Simon. I have to tell him how much I love him and how-how sorry I am.” _

_ “Magnus-” _

_ “I have to! I have to tell him how sorry I am that they didn’t take me instead.” _

_ ~ _

Simon gently took the phone back. Alec’s fingers had gone loose around it and he was pale.

“Alec?” 

Simon was worried, maybe Magnus was right, maybe it was too soon. He examined Alec’s face for some sign of how he was feeling, but other than the paleness, it was hard to tell. His lips were set in a firm line, so that might be something, Simon guessed.

“He-”

Alec stood up and Simon’s words died out and suddenly Alec’s face twisted. His mouth pulled into a frown and his cold eyes fractured into terrible sadness and a guilt that Simon didn’t understand.

“He lied to me.” Alec said, “He told me he stopped looking. I killed him, as consequence.”

Simon’s mouth popped open, but there wasn’t much he could say to that.

“What are you going to do?” Simon asked, softly. He could see some decision in Alec.

“I intended to go away with him only after a fortnight with everyone. I am moving that plan up. Tell the others we are leaving for a time, just he and me.” 

Simon nodded jerkily, watching as Alec strode away from him. The others were going to be so  _ pissed  _ at him for this. He resigned himself to sleeping on the couch for a couple days and making a trip to buy the ice cream everyone liked and maybe getting a bottle of something nice to apologize to Luke for the drama. 

“Izzy’s going to  _ harm  _ me.” He groaned to himself.

-

“Alexander?” Magnus asked, smiling with his armor in place. His eyeliner was bright blue, to match the florets on his cream shirt no doubt. Alec remembered his eyes rimmed in true kohl.

He was behind Luke’s desk, both of them had been looking at a screen that Alec understood was called a computer. Luke offered a small smile of his own, his eyes darting between the two of them

“Need a moment?” Luke stood.

Alec gave him a quick nod, hoping the man knew how grateful he was for the easy understanding as he left them alone.

“What is it?” Magnus asked, the ghost of his smile flirting around his lips, like he was trying to maintain it but couldn’t quite make himself.

“You never stopped looking, did you?”

“Fifty years Alexander. I haven’t been out to those waters in all that time.”

Alec could feel the way his features hardened and he couldn’t help the accusation in his tone, “I do not speak of the boat! You attempted to learn any possible information. Simon showed me-”

“I told him  _ not  _ to show you that!”

“Why? So you could draw me into punishing you for something that I chose? It was a choice all mine own to return for you.”

“Maybe it was the wrong one.” Magnus was standing straight, glaring and Alec cursed bitterly in Italian.

“Do not make your guilt mine, I am weighed down by enough.”

Magnus jerked, “Guilt? What could I possibly make you feel guilty for in this?”

They were both getting louder, angrier.

“You let me  _ kill  _ you. I swore Magnus, I promised at the feet of gods, of men, at  _ your  _ feet to always, always protect you and stand beside you and you let me believe that you had abandoned me entirely and it was mine own wretched fingers that curled round your throat and I did not know if you were still graced with immortality. You-”

“So now it is my fault that you’re insane?” Magnus cut him off with a vicious snarl, his voice loud, “Perhaps it would have been better if you had just  _ died.” _

The words fell louder for the silence that followed them. Magnus was staring at him, his lips parted and his eyes wide. Alec wondered if his heart had calcified at sea or if the hurt was too close to the truth for him to embrace it properly.

“Perhaps. I don’t blame you for what I am now, Magnus.” His own voice was soft, when he was finally moved to speak and he dropped his gaze. His skin felt too tight, too real and the dizzying world outside of the walls was the crushing water all over again.

“I came to ask you to leave with me now, I will only create hurts here as I am, but I see now that it is better if I go alone.” He swallowed, the heart of him crying out.

Magnus was his companion, his eternal partner and Alec had assumed that their separation would not change that one thing. In this well-appointed office, the light streaming through a window, and Magnus standing frozen just feet from him, Alec felt the last of his hope breaking.

“Alexander-”

“I will have to...I have nothing so I will take a few things and then I will go. I’m sure you will be able to find me, if you have need of me.”

He turned on his heel, holding together until he was away. He had learnt to be stone long before he’d become immortal, the darkness of the sea couldn’t take that, at least.

“Alec!” Magnus’ steps stumbled toward him and he felt a hand close around his wrist before he could get away. Slowly he tilted his head to see Magnus, pulling his arm free.

He meant to just glance and then walk away but there were tears and a frantic terror in Magnus that he could not turn away from again.

“No. I-”

Magnus spoke quickly, his voice hitching in desperation as he reverted to the language of Alexander’s youth.

_ “Please, please. I can’t lose you Alec. Yes, sometimes I would wish you were dead but only because I was so tormented by the idea of you still trapped. I spent all of those years consumed by guilt, because, yes, it was meant to be me in that box. It has been agony, indescribable, to live without you. I will not do it again. Do not ask me to, please.”  _

He pulled until Alec was pressed, chest to chest, against him and cupped his face with a wretched expression, his hands shaking, “Please, stay with me Alec, just...just stay with me.”

They kissed, the salt of Magnus’ tears running along the seam between their lips until Alec could take it no longer and he licked away the flavor of them. Magnus slumped against him and Alec held him tight and close until they drew apart for air.

“I have loved you and hated you in turns these past few days. I am tired, Magnus. I want to go now, with you, and stay away until I am settled in the world, until I can be sure that my hands will not harm when I reach to help. I want to spend time learning you again, what it feels like to simply  _ be  _ with you.” Alec brushed their noses together.

“You’re certain you want to go with me? Isabelle might be a better fit, at least for learning about this time.”

“I do not want to spend days naked with my sister.”

Magnus huffed, breath fanning over Alec’s lips, “If we go now she’s going to be upset.”

“I know.”

“Our being alone together means a lot of pain, this won’t be the last time we say regretful things.”

“I know.”

“Alexander, are you sure?”

Alec lifted Magnus’ hand to press a kiss to his palm, “We can make our goodbyes today, but tomorrow we go. I know that it will be hard, between us, for a while, but I have spent enough centuries without my heart, stubborn as he is.”

Magnus smiled a little, tears still clinging to his lashes.

“So we go.”

“And when we return, the work can begin again.”

Alec drew Magnus into another kiss, savoring the feeling of his husband in his arms again.


End file.
